Stop shaming parents with rhetoric about calm.
May 01, 2023
There is a post that frequently does the rounds on social media. You’ve probably read it a billion times (almost). It’s the one post that sends me into a quiet rage every time I see it:
“When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos” L.R Knost.
I’m not denying that it’s a beautiful quote.
Calm is wonderful and I absolutely agree that it’s a beautiful quality for nurturing children.
AND.
‘Sharing your calm’ makes a rather bold assumption that parents have easy access to their own calm.
Myth buster. They mostly don’t. But not for want of trying.
Years of high demands and low support, and constantly advocating and justifying for often basic needs to be met, has left many of the parents in the circles that I move in, perpetually exhausted and vulnerable to the protective responses of the nervous system.
Fight, flight, fawn, freeze, sleep (if you’re lucky). Repeat.
Ross Greene has a great quote “kids do well if they can” and I hand on heart believe the same is true for parents.
So can we please STOP shaming parents with rhetoric about calm.
And can we please START offering parents the support that they deserve, lest we leave them forever trapped in the energy sapping, tension brewing, isolation fuelling state of ‘pretend calm’.
True calm can take some time to embody.
It can be slow work to undo years of exhaustion, isolation and cultural wounding.
It’s more than a social media post, or a fact sheet, or a single session, or a written summary.
Respecting and acknowledging the strengths and challenges of the whole family unit, and collaborating to create strategies that respect demands and resources and honour preferences and needs, is a great place to start.
Families deserve access to the resources they need to cultivate safe spaces, connections and community.
Calm is a lot easier to embody under those conditions.
